All I ever hear nowadays is climate change. I blame it on that Scandi girl who said we’d stolen her childhood by driving around town in our motors instead of riding eco-friendly donkeys.

Look, I’ve been puffing away on my Dutch roll-ups for years without any effects other than a slight cough, so I can’t see why strolling about the manor taking in a few gasps of diesel fumes has suddenly become a major health hazard.