Title

Season of austerity? Exhausted in body and spirit, and bent double from endless trips flying cattle-class to see a world full of municipal woe and town hall misery, Diary returns to Blighty for Christmas. Festive tidings, readers. Disembarking from the plane, Diary ponders what has happened at home since we visited China's great debt wall, Detroit's Motown meltdown, Mexico's Cornish pasty economy and the Spanish mayor who used financial freedoms to squander his authority's coffers on El Gordo? To be honest, we're too discombobulated to tell as we get in line for immigration. A dishevelled giant of a border agency guard, attired in a new uniform of blazer and jeans and clutching a photo of Rob Whiteman escorts Diary to a holding area. What manner of locality are we now being beckoned to enter? A sign carved from oak tells us we are in the fine surrounds of the ‘Any Port In A Storm' public house. Officially, ‘Britain's Number 6 best community boozer', the place holds Chicken Tikka Night every second Tuesday. Behind the counter, there stands the spritely figure of our small, but perfectly-formed host. With an Elvish smile, Mr Bob, as his nametag signifies, swiftly reaches to a cask labelled ‘Shocking waste' and pours a flagon of foaming ale which is slapped on to the bar top. ‘Fancy you'll be wishing to see Santa, then?' he chirrups, with hamster-like glee, guiding Diary into the cavernous recesses of the bar. There sits enthroned a colossally jolly figure in red, whose imposing figure betrays a gentle voice which entreats us in soft Yorkshire tones to ask for what we want, or what we deserve. ‘After witnessing all manner of craziness committed in the name of local government finances, the world over, all I want for Christmas is to see a sane and reasonable financial settlement for councils across the nation,' Diary demands between sobs into his beer. ‘Ah, never mind, lad,' whispers the avuncular presence. ‘Better luck next year. Now, were you wanting a Jeremy Clarkson themed "Best Scalextric set in the worrrld" or a Grant Shapps construct-a-town Lego set? One comes with machine guns, but no cars, and the other is missing most of its bricks and has disputed planning permission. ‘But let's be honest, chum, it's the best settlement you'll get in the current economic climate. Veto or no veto.' It's great to be back in austerity Blighty. Isn't it?

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Austerity measures

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