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Memo from: Secretary of State To: Local authority chief executives I would like to extend to you the season's greetings...I would like to but I have no intention of doing so. Also, I hope you will not be informing your residents about seasonal bin collections through the pages of your pravdas. I expect such information to be made available on our wonderful GovNet website, which all residents will understand if they have attended (unsubsidised) adult education classes in advanced computer studies. I am pleased to see that, once again, local authorities have led the way in reducing their costs by 80%. As a result, I am rewarding them by announcing the financial settlement on Christmas Eve, rather than on Christmas morning, which I know gives ample time before their chief executives return from their holiday homes in Tuscany. I also assume that all council directors will be scrutinising the messages on their Christmas crackers. ‘Be careful what you wish for' comes to mind as I plan the transfer of responsibilities for all NHS geriatric care back to local authorities, minus £500m a year, which follows on the transfer of housing benefit (minus £500m again) and business rates (minus billions once we have frozen it). I look forward to having to send this message to a lot less of you next year…

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A Christmas message from Pickles

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