Meanwhile, on another planet… Dear party members: I intend to put my hat in the ring to become leader of our great party and Prime Minister. I pledge to cut VAT, fuel duty, corporation tax, the health and care NI tax, council tax, income tax, insurance tax, business rates and fund this through Whitehall efficiency savings – ie laying off a few civil servants, closing the Home Office canteen and selling off the wallpaper in No10. I will not, of course, lay off the 50,000 civil servants taken on for Brexit as they will be needed to make Britain, freed of the shackles of the EU, a global superpower by 2040 and the envy of the world for its leadership in the production of potatoes, cabbages and the occasional financial service, though we never talk about that, as most of us candidates have been non-doms. We need to bring power to the people by scrapping expensive town halls and devolving all services to our wonderful parish councils, putting Jackie Weaver in charge of a new Office for Extremely Local Government. By closing expensive civic offices we can fund a 2% cut in income tax and still have enough to hire 20,000 more bobbies on the beat, increase defence by 3% and hand every household £2,000 to pay their energy bills. So vote for me – a sensible leader for an insensible Britain! Yours, Various candidates