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.. THE LONDON RIOTS Tarquin, No! I've told you, you are not looting Hamleys, no matter how many people take to the streets. Goodness knows where on earth you expect me to put more toys, the playroom is simply crammed full. Gosh, it has been quite a week. We've virtually been under house arrest since the weekend, in absolute fear of our lives while young thugs rampage on the streets of the city. It's just not safe out there. Four Wheel Drive Woman: 'These hooligans are just making my life hell.' My social life is in absolute chaos. I've had to cancel play dates all over the place, in case we get stranded in some police cordon somewhere – or worse still, caught up in the riots unable to escape. And I've had to back out of two dinner parties in no-go areas. One was in Fulham – well, you know what south London is like – and the other in Ealing. Well, if you will live in rough areas, you have to expect these sorts of things. It's really not on, though. These hooligans are just making my life hell. The sooner they bring in the army and water cannon the lot of them, the better, I say. Nothing I'd like to see more than a soggy hoody with a damp flat-screen TV under his arm trying to get past a line of irate squaddies. It's David Cameron I feel sorry for. Cutting his holiday short – and heaven knows, he must need a break. It must be exhausting running the country. I only have to run our house and heaven knows that's a full time job! Tarquin, stop firing your Nerf gun out the window, there's a good boy. Yes, I know it has plastic bullets, but they really aren't the same thing as the police use. Tarquin, no!

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Four Wheel Drive Woman

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