...on Trojan horses Gosh Tarquin, I remember that Trojan horse we had in the nursery when you were little.Oh no, that was a rocking horse wasn't it? I get confused. Oh, that's right, Tarquin, Trojan horses are all to do with children in Birmingham's schools – although I'm not quite sure why they are letting horses into the school. I'm sure there must be some sort of health and safety rules about that. Apparently there's some sort of problem with hiring people to run children's services in Birmingham. I'm not surprised – who would want to do that? Firstly, they have horses running round all the schools. And haven't they got Muslim radicals there as well? It must be absolute chaos – how on earth do they manage to educate the poor children? Just think about the time you would have to spend commuting from London. It's not an easy drive in the rush-hour, is it? And that is before you even start to consider those poor, poor children in care. Gosh Tarquin, there's just so much to think about, I'm jolly glad I don't have to do it. Where would one find the time to plan one's social life? Still, they have got a jolly nice new library in Birmingham, haven't they? And a Harvey Nicks. So it can't all be bad. Darling, do stop banging your head against the car window like that, there's a good boy. Tarquin, NO!