I've never quite figured out what mayors do. I remember as a kid there used to be one in Sooty and Sweep.He was a geezer with a big stomach and a chain called Mr Fusspot. He was supposed to be in charge of Toy Town. I think that was the sum total of my understanding of a local council since I never paid any attention at school to what they used to call ‘civic affairs' lessons which were so bleedin' boring I once set fire to my hair just ‘cos it was interesting. So basically I know sweet fanny adams about mayors other than the fact they're overweight, wear chains and don't do much except poke their noses into everyone else's business along with all the pen-pushers who work for them – which means I'm right puzzled as to why they're all suddenly coming out the woodwork. I mean Manchester don't exactly strike me as Toy Town yet they've got a mayor. Apparently we need mayors ‘cos without them nothing would get done like the bins would overflow and there'd be no one to welcome the Queen if she happened to be dropping by. If Mr Fusspot is the answer then we may as well throw in Sooty and Sweep as well, like make them town clerks or whatever they call them – couldn't do a worse job than what we have…and another thing…