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On a five-point plan to tackle adult care costs I've said it before and I'll say it again. It's time to get real about growing old. We can't afford it, so we've got to stop doing it. That means governments ending their nanny-state insistence that we all must be treated like infants when it comes to lifestyle. I mean, the other day some medical numbskull even had the gall to tell old people they've got to stick to half a pint of wallop every day. White van man: ‘Governments have got to stop trying to make us live longer.' On yer bike. My old nan was half-cut on sherry by midday and it made her last years bleeding luvly. Governments have got to stop trying to make us live longer. Once we hit 65, okay, 70, they should do everything in their power to make us drop off our perches. Here's my five-point plan for solving the adult care crisis: (1) All pensioners to receive 60 non-tipped fags a week, free on the state. (2) All meals on wheels to include chips every day and no veggies or fruit. (3) All health centres, keep fit clubs and swimming pools to charge double for pensioners. (4) All booze to be free of tax for pensioners. (5) All day care and old folks' homes to serve fried bread three times a day. That way we won't have all these old folk lingering on into their 90s costing us an arm and a leg. Let them go out with a bang instead…

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White Van Man

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